I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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