Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
