what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
