I didn't shave. On purpose
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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