I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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