You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
whose parrot is this?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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