We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
