woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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