My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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