Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
