paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
