my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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