exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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