At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
