You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize