Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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