I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
