My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
