i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
