Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
