life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
