I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
