the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Moan for me like Helen Keller
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
