i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
