I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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