i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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