I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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