just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
