he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
