my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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