I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just invented taco cereal.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
True strength comes from lack of pants
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
