it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This toilet bowl is my home.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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