Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
