he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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