Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Found your dick twin last night
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
