I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
