um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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