I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My ATM looks so different sober.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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