So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
