Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
