I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
