My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
