i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
