Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
