What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
