I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
