All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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