i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
