So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
