And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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