Umm I'm too high to move.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
