Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
