party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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