I will die if light touches me.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize