I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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