Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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