Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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