My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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