i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
