the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
