In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
