How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Houston, we have a squirter
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
