It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize