I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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