if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
